I’m letting people who hurt me in the past live rent free in my mind.
One episode involves a former landlord that tried to run me over in an intersection with no traffic cameras.
Another one involves a manager that fired me for informing that one of his favorites yelled during night shift and ignored alarms to talk. He fired me the next day, used the exit interview to tell me everything I didn’t do right (but kept quiet about his favorites, even though I did the job like them), still had the utmost confidence on his favorites, accused me of being lazy and instead of simply firing me and keeping neutral he chose to take it personal, proceeded to try to scare me insinuating I wouldn’t work for his system again, when that failed, tried to humiliate me and then fired me. This was in an non union hospital.
When I think about it I get angry. Id like not to be so thin skinned, but here I am.
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Revenge usually does the trick.
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I really struggle with this, too. If I have a nasty confrontation with someone, it can eat at me for days. Sometimes weeks. Logically I know I’m being foolish. Emotions are tough, though, and not logical.
Sometimes venting about it with a supportive friend or family member can really help. Hearing someone else validate your feelings can help you move on.
Distraction also works. I try to immerse myself in a book, movie, game, whatever. If I can forget the incident for a while, it has far less power the next time I think about it. Laughing about how dumb and petty it was can totally disarm it. Once you get to that place.
Therapy can help with this sort of stuff, too. But therapy is expensive. And I think most therapists have better things to tackle than some petty dispute I had with a coworker or neighbor.
The worst ones for me are the situations where I was the bad guy. Or I was the idiot who ended up getting myself hurt through my own bad decisions. One of those still haunts me, over 30 years later. I can forget about it, sometimes for years, but then it will pop back up in some way. I think it’s just, unfortunately, part of being human.
Try not to beat yourself up over these lingering thoughts. Everyone has them to some degree. Learning to let go of such baggage is a life skill that takes constant practice.
From “Verissimus”, a comic about the Stoic philosopher and Roman Emperor, Marcus Aurelius: https://imgur.com/a/FlvGJGT (my apologies for the first two pages being out of order).
There is a section about the Greek philosopher, Epictetus’, teachings about anger. My favorite two are “Being unlike your enemies is the best form of revenge,” and “Goodwill is a virtue, the opposite of revenge, the desire to help rather than harm our fellow man. So replace your anger with its antidote: kindness.”
Didn’t know there is a comic version of his meditations, that is cool! Thanks for the tip, have to check that one out.
Those are pretty awesome! Thanks, I think I can get a lot of benefit from them.
Write a long thorough letter that you don’t send. It worked for me with a friend who was awful to me for a year. Beauty think about him anymore.
I had to do cognitive behavioral therapy to defeat cycles much like that. Fortunately, if you’re not in a position to have a professional help you with that, it can be self practiced. The biggest take away is allowing yourself time to process it, so it doesn’t occupy your mind when you’re trying to do something important like driving or sleeping. Write out the angry thoughts and reflect on them, why its impractical and how you’re putting yourself at risk for little to no gain. Match each negative thought with something positive if you can help it. Sure this person fucked you over, but you got to play a cool game with a buddy. They don’t need to be connected but try to force yourself to spend equal or greater time on good experiences as much as your mind is trying to drag you into the gutters. Regret is one of the more powerful emotions you’ll experience and you don’t need to cause yourself unnecessary burdens. If you feel you’re a risk to yourself or others, please seek out professional help. This isn’t medical advice, just myself reflecting on my own experiences. I’m told this service is pretty decent. https://www.betterhelp.com/
Just be sure to spell out “cognitive behavioral therapy” if you search it. Other results for getting started with CBT might bring you somewhere other than where you intend to go.
This would be my advice. The books “Feeling Great” or “When Panic Attacks” by David Burns are the go to resources for CBT. Honestly I never got much out of years of (on and off) professional CBT, but books make the whole thing a lot more digestible.
For OOP, CBT might help to really understand why these particular experiences are so meaningful to them.
Experience all the emotions dude
You’re allowed to let those emotions flow through you. Yell and hit something inanimate if your mad. Cry if your sad. Let those thoughts come. And then let those emotions go
All those bad times were lessons you had to learn one way or another. Those lessons should hopefully help you never make those same mistakes or hang around those types of people. Life teaches the hard way unfortunately
But yeah, I used to repress my emotions cause that’s what a big football player is supposed to do. I had to be a rock and no matter what just bottle it all up. But I’ve been able to be a better rock for others by letting myself cry it out when I need to.
Lastly, I wouldn’t say I forgave all those who have wronged me. Nor have I forgotten. But I guess it’s like a really good song I just heard. The first dozen or so times I listen to it I’m completely focused and the song just sounds diffrent cause it’s fresh in my mind or whatever. But then I let the song play a bunch, maybe even twice in a row here and there cause I’m so focused on it. But then one day the song just isn’t a good for some reason. It’s kinda like that but with shitty situations.
Idk I’m not a therapist lol
Allowing yourself to feel your emotions without care.
There’s nothing wrong with being angry at people who hurt you. You’re kind of supposed to be; that’s what anger is for.
It’s not unhealthy or imprudent or a negative in any wat regardless of what anyone else told you, or society. There’s literally nothing wrong with it and people who tell you there is are being deeply unethical and usually have a political agenda. Ignore them.
Be angry, be sad, be fearful, cry, and be free.
Also you need to do something to hold those scumbags accountable, especially the landlord who tried to run you over. What the fuck? Didn’t you call the cops?
Thinking about what hurt them. Being glad I am not them. That’s about it, really. I guess also in these particular situations you can be glad you don’t work/live there anymore, would you really want to be there if the boss was treating your coworker that way?
Do you have a release for emotions period? Burn out the anger with a crazy workout and intense playlist. Write about it poetry style or otherwise. Buy a punching bag.
Although I am an atheist, if I am wrong, I am fairly certain they are going to hell.
It’s quite rational for you to feel angry towards people who seemingly went out of their way to wrong you. One thing that helps me is contemplating the inner existence of that type of person. It must be awful to walk around without a teaspoon of empathy. To walk around disconnected from basic humanity. To find pleasure in hurting others. What a cold existence.
people who hurt me in the past
The pain is inside you now.
Not in them. You can’t give it back to them.
Even the best revenge (if you are maybe thinking about revenge) is not going to relieve the pain inside you - it would only create new, additional pain.
Forgiving is the way to go. And I’m not saying that it is easy, just saying that it is the way to go. Forgiving means to let them go free. Give up any wish for revenge. Decide that you are not going to bring it up against them anymore. Ever. Let go of the bad thoughts and then you can let go of the bad feelings too.
Make sure that you know (maybe tell someone, or write it down in a long letter that does not need to be sent) all of it when you try to forgive. It means, when you decide to let go, you rethink (only this one time) all that has happened and all the feelings it has caused - especially for this purpose of letting it go. And then you can let go.
And then this will set you free.
Holding on to feelings of anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.
Meditation and forgiveness help a lot.
Try some self parenting. If you were four years old, what would you want the best parent to say to you if they learned that you were thinking of this?
Said another way, what would you tell your kid if they were dwelling on something like this?
When I first got going in law I had a judge lay into me one day and I left there questioning all my life choices. I realized the dude didn’t know but a small part of my life, was not and could not make any real judgments about who or what I am, and the guy is probably an asshole to his family and his kids hate him.
Bad advice. There’s people with this problem who has neither the will nor the ability to think as a parent.
Okay, it’s not for everyone. Maybe will help OP, maybe not.
