What you are looking for is a “Bed shaker”. These are often used by the deaf to wake up. A relatively cheap phone-connected one can be found here but it’s iphone only. This one works with Android. Both use proprietary apps. The website linked was just at the top of a Google search, you can find stuff like this on Amazon as well.

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Office party!

You don’t understand, he has to piss himself because his pants are continuously on fire.

I didn’t mention the sticks and you got me mid-edit. Fine, you can eat the sticks but you gotta chew real hard. You don’t want slivers…

1400-1600 calories, only 180% of daily sodium requirement… If you had a light breakfast and it’s the only other thing you eat that day it’s not that bad. You might want to get some more fiber (Not the stick though), and a multivitamin wouldn’t hurt.

Caulk.