I’ve tried the serenity prayer without god and I’m reading the subtle art of not giving a f*ck, but it’s not enough. The book is good though.
There are still moments when people really piss me off and while I’d like that not to affect me, my first instinct is still to feel anger and to hate the jackass making my life or work difficult. Sometimes I’d like to punch him in the face.
It could be the plumber who doesn’t come on the agreed day, the technician who ‘repaired’ a tv set, only to have the same issue the next day, a coworker who keeps yelling when I’m trying to work and even after asking him not to be loud, blatantly ignores me or coworkers who importunate me with stupid questions about my weekend.
A strategy I’m going to use now at the workplace is to ignore every non related job question from these people and only answer when they ask something job related. As for the plumber, the hate usually subsides after 2 days, but I’d like to be more resilient, not to jump to anger and hate so easily.
It’s like I’m emotionally very easy to trigger.
I don’t know if you agree with this sentence: A person who yells does it because he doesn’t have power to modify a situation to his advantage, because he is powerless.
This is how I feel sometimes.
I like reading this poem whenever I’m feeling like I’m about to lose it. It helps me find my center again.
Just Let them. If they want to choose something or someone over you, let them. If they want to go weeks without talking to you, let them. If they are okay with never seeing you, let them. If they are okay with always putting themselves first, let them. If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, let them. If they want to follow the crowd, let them. If they want to judge or misunderstand you, let them. If they act like they can live without you, let them.
If they want to walk out of your life and leave, hold the door open, and let them.
Let them lose you. You were never theirs, because you were always your own. So let them.
Cassie Phillips
Stoicism might interest you:
Whenever I get into an argument with someone on the Internet and I keep arguing with them past the point I should stop (it’s useless or I’m just wicked frustrated) I set up a monthly donation to something that would piss them off. And that’s why I have monthly donations to Sesame Street, the ACLU, and the SPLC.
Regulation activities will help you build up more resilience.
You’re at the edge. Your cup is full. You’re out of copium. You need to purposefully recharge.
One of my strategies is to first ask myself, “Does it matter? How much?” and then “What could I do about it? Do I care enough to do that?”
Then I act or shrug or medicate or politely interrogate why-incompetent-person-did-incompetent-goddamn-thing based on that.
Experience: worked a service job for too long, judging an issue’s worth to me is like a reflex now. It takes practice
I think arriving to the ability to not let this trigger you requires a lot of little decisions and changes. Like accepting that people will fail or suck at their job, being able to roll with shit, having alternate/backup plans… Like if the cable guy was coming today, then I’d have shit planned to do around the house and I wouldn’t plan anything else that day. I’d game, clean, do chores, do outside projects, change the car oil, whatever needs to be done nearby that I can take a break from when they finally show up. Small businesses I’d probably call in the morning and verify they’re showing up for sure that day.
I guess it’s a combination of assuming the worst case scenario and focusing on what you can control. (“Plan fo the worst, hope for the best”) So in the case of the shitty co worker, I’d ask them to tone it down. If they won’t, then what can I do? Can I move elsewhere? If I can’t I might ask the supervisor if they can get my desk moved. Of course they are going to do the easier job of telling Jack wagon to stfu but now it’s coming from the supervisor. I can control the coworker, but I can control myself, I can try to manipulate the situation. There might be other options depending on the situation like putting in earbuds and refraining from clubbing them like a baby seal.
But yeah, I agree. I think a person yells when they think they have no power over the situation. I grew up being yelled at all the time it’s very easy for me to fall into that trap too and I understand how hard it is to not resort to that when I’m frustrated or overwhelmed. It gets 100x worse when I’m tired.
Exercise.
If you are literally only able to focus on inhaling and exhaling, the ruminative thoughts will not stand a chance.
I’ve been trying to practice compassion for the people that piss me off. Trying to remember that folks are all doing their best and may be dealing with even more stress and anxiety than I am dealing with.
The other thing that has really helped me is deliberately practicing gratitude for all of the great things in my life. Family, pets, health, food, shelter, car that works reliably, etc. it’s counterintuitive that focusing on these will help, but focusing on these things makes the things hat anger me seem so much less important.
Constructive Nihilism, or my own spin on it, has helped me.
Everything in the universe, including us, are nothing but subatomic billiards balls bouncing off one another. Free will isn’t even an illusion, but a delusion. Consciences may not even exist beyond a concept we use as a shortcut to describe ourselves.
If you can truly internalize and grock those ideas, getting angry at a person, makes as much sense as getting angry at ocean wave. In fact your feelings of anger are internally nothing more than a few billiard balls bouncing in your own brain.
It’s not perfect. I still get annoyed occasionally. But then I remember these facts, and suddenly the feelings of anger just go away as quickly as they arrived. They seem silly and trivial.
To me it sounds like you have low levels of serotonin. It made me irritable and easily angered too.
Medicine that helps with that are SSRIs (antidepressants). You have to ask a psychiatrist about those. Or, if you don’t want to go full medical about it, try a 5-HTP over-the-counter supplement, which is a serotonin building block. And also ease up on masturbation… It drains your serotonin.
You don’t even have to take these for very long. They have a side-effect of making you sleepy, because serotonin is processed into melatonin. Take them on and off just enough to get some perspective on how artificial your mood is, which is when you’ll gain a level of control that will stay with you even after you’ve stopped taking the medicine.
This was my first thought, too.
I started taking antidepressants a few months ago to treat ADHD-related anxiety and depression. (The doctor suggested that I could try ADHD-specific meds, but pointed out that I’m already a relatively successful adult, so clearly I’ve built coping mechanisms over the years.)
I’m surprised by how much more rational I’ve become when dealing with stuff.
I first really noticed it when I was crossing at an intersection and a driver turning right didn’t see me and almost hit me. She slammed on the brakes and waved her hands in a clearly startled and apologetic way. Before the meds I probably would have flipped her the bird and had my heart pounding in my ears for the next half hour as I seethed with anger. Now, my thought was “She made a mistake. I’m fine. She knows she made a mistake and she’ll certainly be more careful next time. It’s okay.”
That’s not to say that I don’t get angry anymore. I just get angry about stuff that matters or where I can change something. It feels a lot healthier.
Standard disclaimer: I’m not a doctor. This is not medical advice. It’s just my anecdotal experience. Maybe talk to your doctor about getting tested for depression and/or anxiety. (I had never thought to before this year, because in my youth I was just called “disorganized”, “lazy”, and “scatterbrained”.)
That’s a great example!
I discovered that the grouchy, irritable and angry part of me was not “just my personality”, it was an emotional overlay that colored the rational self which lay underneath…
Being Peace by Thich Nhat Hanh
Getting to Where You Are by Steven Harrison
Journey Without Goal by Chogyam Trungpa
I recommend them in this order. I think Journey Without Goal is more useful after reading the other two - it’s not a good starting point. The idea is sort of to start with calming the noise in your head that makes you anxious or upset, then explore understanding and getting to know yourself, and then after finding some measure of internal stability work on larger perspectives on your life and your relationship with others.
My toddler has really taught me how to control my anger, there’s something about having someone slap you in the face and scream at you while you carry them to the car without having any recourse other than asking them to calm down and please stop hitting you that really teaches you how to find some zen …
Please teach me this zen, because holy hell toddler tantrums are the worst! They’ve made dealing with morons at work much easier.
I don’t recommend OP take on a toddler until they master their own emotions.
Good for you, though! Sending you a hex against other random stress-inducing disasters befalling your family while you’re navigating this difficult passage.
Yeah that’s probably pretty sage advice, but sometimes a baptism of fire can help for learning
Do you drink coffee? You sound like me when I was drinking it. I quit because it made me so irritable. Didn’t use to make me like that, but it changed over time.
This might sound odd, but start listening to metal music.
A lot of the lyrics in these songs are aggressive and downright violent (especially if you start listening to death metal and black metal), and for me, it helps to release my emotion.
For example, many people think “I want to punch that person right in their dumb face”. Listening to a song that talks about doing it, and mentally visualizing it, is very cathartic. I don’t really know how to explain it, but just letting go to the music and having it take all your rage and frustration helped me a lot going through similar situations.
It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety, too, if you’re on a “hair trigger” with your emotions. Some self care and/or therapy may help with some of it, but you sound like you’re on the right track already. Try to be aware of when you feel that way, try to identify why the situation makes you feel that way, ask yourself what you can do in that situation too change anything, and try to view the situation from other perspectives (doesn’t have to be from the perspective of the person making you angry, but can be a stranger viewing the situation from the outside).
Best of luck to you! And keep in mind that by just wanting to improve yourself in this way, you’re already take a step more than most people!
