I always thought of it like this: if a workplace makes you feel devalued or is toxic (gaslighting and ranting about you behind your back), you quietly find new pastures.
Now, however, I think this is the wrong approach: why do I have to accept they bully me? I should defend myself. And doesn’t the manager have to make sure a workplace ain’t toxic? Instead of quietly looking for a new job next time this happens, wouldn’t it be better to confront, document and escalate instead of letting it go? even if HR only exists to protect the company and not me.
If HR and manager do nothing to address the problem, wouldn’t it be a better strategy to start working the least possible and let the company fire me, while looking for another job?
HR and management will never help you.
You should bully them back.
Offer to bring everyone coffee from the place they all like. Add a little powdered laxative. Do the same thing again next week but with more laxative. Gradually up the dosage until everyone has the mega doodoo blastoff and accuses the coffee shop of doing food poisoning on them.
Put low batteries in the smoke detector so it constantly beeps. When someone changes them, put another low set back in the next day.
Apply the “when vestmoria is offscreen, other characters should be talking about vestmoria” principle to meetings and presentations.
Always keep a web browser window open to some gun manufacturers website. When someone walks up, alt-tab it to the top then alt tab it away at the last minute.
If you’re not doing it already, butt into conversations and start mansplaining to everyone about the thing they’re talking about. Bonus points if you’re a woman.
Don’t do the laxatives things. Poisoning people is very illegal, for good reason.
Bring a bigass eight line hookah into work and blow banana flavored clouds. When people complain offer to switch to a different flavor.
Can you be my new best friend
If you maintain documentation or comment code, start weaving a disconnected, corkboard narrative into it.
This is the worst advice possible haha you’ll end up getting arrested.
Buy an old carbureted v8 sports car or pickup truck. Get to work early every day so you can leave early as well. When it’s time to go, start revving the engine “so it’ll warm up and even out” in the parking lot right next to the office.
What is actually wrong with you?
When people talk about the news in gaza around the watercooler, always defend israels actions and bait people into accidentally saying things that you can accuse them of being an antisemite for.
I was with you until the gun thing
Every single one of these things is something that will obviously point back to you.
Some of these things not only could get you fired but hauled away by the police.
So… no.
Eat pea soup for breakfast and rip huge farts in the office.
Punctuate each one with “that was me” or “that was you”
“Become the flatulence you want to see in the world.”