Summary
Former Fox News host Tucker Carlson claimed he was “physically mauled” by a demon in his sleep, leaving claw marks on his body, which he says are still visible. Carlson described waking with intense pain, bleeding claw marks, and an overwhelming urge to read the Bible. He recounted the experience as confusing yet transformative, adding that while he doesn’t expect others to believe him, the incident profoundly impacted him.
How to explain away the signs of rough gay sex to your wife.
Tucker Carlson and JD Vance had rough normal gay guy sex and he’s getting ahead of any story and saying it was demon assault.
I can also take part in conspiracies
It’s why JD Vance’s pimp handlers slather him in makeup and eyeliner to keep Tucker interested in MAGA. All funded from the top down by Elon Musk who eats babies in a failed and desperate attempt to stay young.
Tucker made the mistake of dressing up as a couch for Halloween.
The demon turned him into a couch
“I got attacked while I was asleep with my wife and four dogs and mauled, physically mauled.” … “I have no idea what happened.”
lol
This is the level of critical thinking that conservative pundits are exercising.
tl;dr: Comrade Carlson doesn’t think he’s getting enough attention lately.
sleep paralysis combined with he sleeps with dogs and they have nails. next.
I bet this was said to cover for crimes he may have committed as christisn judges will definitely see it as a legit defense. Or he is fucking stupid.
I see he’s taking a page from Alex Jones’s bible.
Anyway, what are the chances that someone’s going to come forward that Carlson assaulted them and they fought back? Just asking questions.
Alex Jones’s bible
I shudder to think what that thing is filled with.
Leaded cocaine
Boner pills
No it’s missing pages because he needed to snort his boner pills.
You’re telling me this is a real story like in a real news source?
JFC
Ah shit that’s unfortunate. Better luck next time, demon.
That’s called a dream, guy.
But, man, you’re never going to get any truth from us. We’ll tell you anything you want to hear; we lie like hell. We’ll tell you that, uh, Kojak always gets the killer, or that nobody ever gets cancer at Archie Bunker’s house, and no matter how much trouble the hero is in, don’t worry, just look at your watch; at the end of the hour he’s going to win. We’ll tell you any shit you want to hear. We deal in illusions, man! None of it is true! But you people sit there, day after day, night after night, all ages, colors, creeds… We’re all you know. You’re beginning to believe the illusions we’re spinning here. You’re beginning to think that the tube is reality, and that your own lives are unreal. You do whatever the tube tells you! You dress like the tube, you eat like the tube, you raise your children like the tube, you even think like the tube! This is mass madness, you maniacs! In God’s name, you people are the real thing! WE are the illusion! So turn off your television sets. Turn them off now. Turn them off right now. Turn them off and leave them off! Turn them off right in the middle of the sentence I’m speaking to you now! TURN THEM OFF… [collapses in a prophetic swoon as the audience erupts in thunderous applause]
Howard Beale, Network (1976)
That movie was so very prescient. This -
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuBe93FMiJc
You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, Mr. Beale, and I won’t have it!! Is that clear?! You think you’ve merely stopped a business deal. That is not the case. The Arabs have taken billions of dollars out of this country, and now they must put it back! It is ebb and flow, tidal gravity! It is ecological balance!
You are an old man who thinks in terms of nations and peoples. There are no nations. There are no peoples. There are no Russians. There are no Arabs. There are no third worlds. There is no West. There is only one holistic system of systems, one vast and immane, interwoven, interacting, multivariate, multinational dominion of dollars. Petro-dollars, electro-dollars, multi-dollars, reichmarks, rins, rubles, pounds, and shekels.
It is the international system of currency which determines the totality of life on this planet. That is the natural order of things today. That is the atomic and subatomic and galactic structure of things today! And YOU have meddled with the primal forces of nature, and YOU WILL ATONE!
Am I getting through to you, Mr. Beale?
You get up on your little twenty-one inch screen and howl about America and democracy. There is no America. There is no democracy. There is only IBM and ITT and AT&T and DuPont, Dow, Union Carbide, and Exxon. Those are the nations of the world today.
What do you think the Russians talk about in their councils of state – Karl Marx? They get out their linear programming charts, statistical decision theories, minimax solutions, and compute the price-cost probabilities of their transactions and investments, just like we do.
We no longer live in a world of nations and ideologies, Mr. Beale. The world is a college of corporations, inexorably determined by the immutable bylaws of business. The world is a business, Mr. Beale. It has been since man crawled out of the slime. And our children will live, Mr. Beale, to see that perfect world in which there’s no war or famine, oppression or brutality – one vast and ecumenical holding company, for whom all men will work to serve a common profit, in which all men will hold a share of stock, all necessities provided, all anxieties tranquilized, all boredom amused.
And I have chosen you, Mr. Beale, to preach this evangel.
You(are the)Tube
Sounds like he assaulted someone and that news is about to come out. He is preempting that.
At the time, Carlson says, he was asleep in bed with his wife – and four dogs.
I have an alternate theory about those claw marks…
Is it Tucker Carlson has hell hounds for pets?
Yeah, i imagine his wife is pretty vicious.
Even Fido has had enough of his shit
Hopefully Fucker gets rabies
I watched that video, and had he just stuck to being suddenly awake and having claw marks I would have thought there was something odd. But he led with having four dogs in the bed, so when he said he had claw marks…dear lord, he’s either trying too hard to play to some niche audience, or he’s really that stupid. At least make the story sound plausible…we know you can lie, why didn’t you just leave off some details here to sell it better.
Ever since he got kicked off Fox, he’s been making the pivot to the hard right audience, which includes the narrative that they’re in a spiritual war against the literal devil.
It’s the same conspiracy-laden bullshit that Alex Jones pushes.
It’s Jon Stewart’s fault. Tucker never recovered from that jab about the bow tie.
And he never wore a bow tie after that. Lol.
If anything, Tucker needs another sit-down with JonHe’s been holding a towel on his rear-end ever since.
And we got Trump cause Obama roasted him so hard he was afraid no one would think he was white anymore.
Maybe ridiculing fascists isn’t the best way to treat them.
You’re correct, actually.
Yeah, I don’t know when “Trump ran for president because he was so thoroughly emasculated by Obama” and “You can’t shame the shameless out of fascism” became such hot takes.
You can shame them, just not for anything they should feel shamed about. Jabs about very facile facets of their masculinity? shamed. Dragged through the ringer because they are rapists? No shame.
Ridiculing Fascists is the best way to treat them. They’re fragile little snowflakes and can not handle being the butt of the joke. Why do you think aside from journalists and politicians, comedians also get censored or imprisoned first when fascists take over?
So the problem with Trump is that he’s not being ridiculed enough? The orange-skinned, diaper wearing, wispy-pube-haired, tiny hands, mushroom dick, broke-ass billionaire wanna-be, so cheap he won’t even bother to have his suits tailored, neck-gina, “dumbest goddamn student I ever had”, can’t drink water, nuke hurricanes, salutes North Korean generals, paper towel throwing, bleach-drinking, UV light up the asshole, bigliest, yugliest, covfefe bunker bitch will go away if we just make fun of him?
If you think you can stop the fascist by calling him Mango Mussolini or Agolf Shitler more, fucking go for it. Comedians get imprisoned by fascists because they hurt their feelings- but that doesn’t stop fascism, or else they wouldn’t have ended up in prison.
And he’s been Orange ever since.
The dude used to wear a bow tie, unironically, and in public no less, so…
Bowties are cool.
The bowtie wasn’t the problem.
It’s the person that makes it uncool.
I’d argue that the fact that he stopped wearing the bowties when he was mocked for it says more about him than the bowties do.
I’ve been rocking a bowtie for a while, and my wife loves it. Maybe it’s that his were clipons.
It absolutely does. Jon knew it would have to be something low to get under his skin and he was right.
I bet it’s deliberate. Like a power play knowing his story is clearly bullshit but the morons he’s appealing to are believing it making him feel even more superior.
Occam’s Razor? Naw, it’s gotta be Occam’s Jewish Space Laser.
Yeah, if I were married to Tucker Carlson I’d be pretty messed up too.
Heyo
We know his wife didn’t leave them in the throes of passion, that’s for sure
But a mistress that he’s trying to cover up? That’s plausible.
He brought the Bible into it so I’m betting it was a misteress.
No man! It was a succubus!
A dominatrix is also plausible
Holy shit I did not think the alt right could get any fucking dumber.
Dude, even small dogs can hog some serious space. 4 dogs? I’m surprised there’s any room left for the fucker and his wife. He probably got scratches falling out of bed.
“I went to bed and woke up next to this unconscious woman… I was in my bed with the wife and dogs at the time, so she must’ve been a demon.”
I do too. Paranoid delusions
His boyfriend choked him out too hard? I’m bad at inferences.
The idea that a demon (or even better, Satan himself) would waste their time scratching random people or possessing them just to make them float over their bed or vomit pea soup has always been amusing to me. That’s a super weak “ultimate evil” your religion has, Christians.
If they really wanted to be scary they would amass 99.9% of the worlds wealth amongst 1% of the population and horde it all while killing the planet and bribing politicians in a vein attempt at being happier.
I can’t believe this isn’t an onion article.
