I’ve had female friends and I’ve had male friends but for some reason I’ve noticed that females are more intimate and close to there friends then males are. Is this true for all male friends?
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It kinda depends.
Men can be incredibly intimate friends, sharing everything, having deep emotional bonds, and doing so in complete stereotype breaking ways like not making jokes of things, or playing it off, and being fully present and supportive directly.
It is not, however, the most common way men express friendship. Like, I’ve had male friends that would be ready to kill someone with me, but wouldn’t even think to offer a hug. I’m not even exaggerating, I had a bad breakup once, and a very good friend watched me cry, and asked me if I wanted to go kill her. He wasn’t joking, he said he knew a place we could bury her where nobody could find it, dead faced serious.
Which, tbh, did shock me out of crying.
But you’d be surprised how supportive men can be. Most of my friends over the years were not afraid to hug, to listen, and talk. It isn’t all blank faces and pats on the back
Then again, I tend to develop friendships slowly and value people that are emotionally open.
I’m not knocking the kind of friends that will give you a listen, offer you a beer, and then take you into the game room to blow up digital enemies. Or the ones that’ll get you drunk and let you cry it out that way. Or any other expression of support. Because a lot of men, that’s the kind of support they actually want, and some need.
See, there’s a certain degree of the whole stereotype of men not wanting to show emotion that isn’t just patriarchal bullshit. There’s still a connection to that, but it isn’t the only reason we stay as self contained as possible. Sometimes, if you let shit out at the wrong time, in the wrong way, it gets out of control. So having a buddy that’s going to stay calm and by doing so help you keep your shit together as you process in a healthier way, that’s as valuable as someone that’ll hug you and let you fall apart.
A lot of men, they’re also going to be your biggest hype man. The same dude that will stone faced listen and then pat you on the arm can be the one that tells you you’re a fucking boss, so don’t put up with that shit job, he knows a guy that can recognize your potential, or will drive your ass around town finding a better job, or give you a couch to crash on while you’re broke in between jobs.
The expression of friendship may not always look intimate, and it may not fit the definition of it being based on communication of personal thoughts and feelings. But sometimes you don’t need that kind of expression because you just get each other and words would devalue the connection.
Me? I’m a lucky motherfucker. My best friend is one of those guys that can do it all. His husband is pretty much the same, and also someone that’ll wrap you up in his arms and hold you up when you’re falling apart, and they’ve both done that for me. The guys from my support group are also the kind of friends that if you call one of them, all five of them show up on your porch ready to get you through whatever it is.
I try to be a good friend to all of them too. I would literally kill for my best friend and his husband. No doubt, no hesitation, there would be bodies on the ground if anyone ever goes after them. Last time someone laid a hand on my friend, it didn’t end well for them as it was. I’m also willing to drive my ass across three counties in the middle of the night when someone is in crisis, just like they are.
Men can be very intimate, in ways you wouldn’t expect. The key is to accept them as they are, and to recognize their expression of intimacy, friendship and love. You do that, and as long as they’re a decent person, you’ll be fine.
The younger guys are usually better at the emotional openness than us guys from gen-x and earlier, but there’s never been a complete lack of that kind of intimacy from men, it was just rarer. But us old farts have learned too. My dad is much more of an emotional connection to his friends and family than he was twenty years ago. But, there’s the flip side that some of the younger guys push the emotional intimacy too much, they treat it as a kind of mandatory thing rather than as something offered freely.
You asked about men, so that’s where I’m leaving it, without comparing it to women, but there are differences there, as well as similarities.
Touching and insightful stuff, the double reference to killing is a little messed up though, especially your friend that went as far as suggesting a place to bury the body that guy sends a chill down the spine.
Well, tbh, the world is an ugly place. The kind of friend you would kill or die for, and would do the same for you, that’s a powerful thing.
And yeah, dude was pretty fucking chilling. Loyal as it gets, but definitely one scary motherfucker. Strangely, as broken as he was, a really great dad and husband. I once saw him whack a guy in the teeth with a bottle over a spilled beer, but he cried like a baby when his kid was born. Which is a whole story on its own tbh.
I find my queer male friends are willing to be intimate while straight male friends are very shut off and rarely open up.
Straight people even today live with the fear of being perceived as gay so there very closed off and distant.
everyone suffers in a global system of torture. even the beneficiaries
Relatable
A system of oppression can only be a system of oppression and nothing else. It can oppress some less than others, but it can’t ever free anyone.
I wouldn’t say fear has much to do with it, just how most are raised. Not that it’s a good thing that society is built like this mind you, just saying.
If a male friend starts touching me in a way that not even my own father did, I’m just midly uncomfortable. The last thing I’m thinking about is other peoples opinion on my sexuality. It’s more about just not being used to it.
Tbh, unless I’m sexually attracted to the person, I find contact uncomfortable regardless of the sex. Probably not exactly healthy behavior but anyways.
Careful spraying those broad generalizations everywhere, you’re making a mess.
Their* than*
I’ll keep that in mind
IDK if it’s an easy way to remember or not, but the way I think about it is then relates to time, than relates to a comparison.
Their relates to ownership. There relates to direction. They*'re* relates to describing (that’s probably the easiest as the apostrophe tells you it is a shortened version of two words, “they are”)
To actually answer your question though I can only relate to my personal experience and say no, as a man the men I know don’t express emotion that well and we aren’t that “close.” The women I’ve known tend to be much closer to their friends, but my experience is limited there.
I’m in my thirties and when I compare my friendships to my wife’s, I must say that women are more intimate with each other. They hug and cuddle. My friends and I don’t really do that. I only hug my friends when I feel they need it.
No. Next question.
What does the moon taste like?
Creme Cheese. Next Question.
do you think my cat is cute?
Yes, cats are by definition cute. Next question.
Only on Tuesdays. Next question.
Probably blood, your blood. Moon dust/rock is very sharp because the lack of erosion means that the edges of the rocks aren’t rounded out. It will shred your tongue.
Not true for all but true for most.
However let’s make a difference between being close and being intimate; females are usually more intimate than males or at least open up more quickly on personal topics. Gay/bi males are also like this.
As for closeness though, I don’t think there is much of a difference between sex/gender/sexual orientation. I’ve found bros sticking together and backing up each other the same as girls do if not more.
I’m generally more open with female friends than male friends. There’s one friend that I’ve become more open with but that’s because we’ve been friends for over 15 years. Growing up taught me that showing emotion was weak and not what I was supposed to do. I was very sensitive as a kid and learned to hide and intellectualize my feelings rather than feel them
If not shamed then sometimes more intimate
No. Not in my experience anyway. That said, furries are a whole different breed. Furries love sharing physical intimacy. Cuddle piles in the furry community are a real thing.
“furries are a whole different breed.”
I see what you did there
100% intended. But seriously, the furry community is the place where you’ll get guys being just as cuddly as gals, if not moreso, depending on your orientation.
Women being intimate openly remains more socially acceptable than men doing it, at least presumed heterosexual men.
I have noticed a shift in the last five years and more of the (heterosexual) men in my social circles have openly hugged me more enthusiastically than they used to.
I have become more comfortable being affectionate in public in general, but that’s about becoming more comfortable with myself, rather than a matter of what’s assumed to be socially acceptable of the various genders. I’m definitely falling into the category of life’s too short and I’ll be dead sooner than I’d like to admit, so here I am, motherfuckers. Deal with it.
Well, I hug friends to greet and show compassion. But it doesn’t really change anything, in terms of closeness or intimacy for me. Maybe others feel like that too and don’t really engage in physical intimacy. I do hug female friends in comfort too, but that’s very awkward for me. It seems to help them though.
I feel better when my personal space is respected, I don’t really want hugs when I’m feeling down. I do like hugs when I’m feeling comfortable though.
I think it’s interesting that you are comparing “men” and “girls” as opposed to either boys and girls or men and women.
No judgement. Just thought that was interesting.
Good thing you’re not judging. If it was the passive aggressive criticism it looks like on the surface, it might contribute to this very topic of people feeling safer keeping to themselves than speaking freely and saying the wrong words.
Alright.
I just like words and linguistics. No one needs to be the bad guy here.
They all mean the same thing basically
They’re not the same thing, though. If you use infantilizing language with people of one sex until they’re 40, yeah, people are going to notice that and think it’s weird. I used to have a ton of unexamined behaviors like that before I worked on it a fair amount, and yeah, I was pretty lonely back when…
I don’t think most people care. Granted, maybe it’s the dysphoria speaking, but I love it when someone calls me “girl” and I’m 30. None of the people I know care. If anything it feels more familiar to call someone a girl or a boy than a man or a woman. The latter two feel very “official”, while the former feel casual.
Also I’ve absolutely heard girls call a group of men, “boys”. Like, one of the white suburban mom stereotypes is to call her husband and his friends, “the boys”. Like, “hey honey, how was hanging out with the boys” or “oh, he’s off with the boys doing who knows what”.
I share your sentiment, whenever one of my aunts calls me a '“good-looking boy,” my mid-30s heart warms up.
In addition, we will all mature only when we realise that we never stop being children in one way or another. Plus why would anyone want to give that up? One of the few nuggets of genuine joy and curiosity that’s still left for us to own.
I think what you and @mossyfeathers@MossyFeathers@pawb.social are picking up on is that youth-coded descriptors are often terms of endearment. They’re often used flirtatiously and towards people of whom you feel protective.
Conversely, adult names imply responsibility. Is it a problem to describe men in a way that implies responsibility and women in a way that implies protectiveness? Not necessarily.
I just think this stuff is linguistically interesting. I think it’s more grammatically typical to use equivalent terms to create parallel construction when comparing the sexes. Again, no judgment is intended.
Idk, you think this woman’s use of the word “girl” is likely contributing much to her lonliness? I mean that’d probably be true if she was a man because people would automatically assume the worst, but in my experience women can usually get away with saying “girl” without anyone caring.
Females
You gets it
Yet tbf, people usually say that’s a problem when it’s used alone as in “females and men” because “nobody says ‘males,’” but here she says “females and males.”
Personally, if I write a post like this I’d write “women and males” even though it’s clunky and awkward, just so the sanctimonious crowd doesn’t have shit to say, but she did the thing that people say is fine to do and yet still gets accused of being a ferengi. I know it’s exciting to feel like you’re better than someone and jump to correcting their behavior but it’s possible we’re jumping the shark here.
Edit: btw, as per OP’s post history, she’s a “23yo female with a 76 IQ.” Lay off man, jeez!
I’m not in the habit of stalking a poster’s history before making a reply. But I looked at OPs profile to confirm what you said. They posted that they want to speak better. They edited the post to say girls instead of females. We can get into the problem of referring to adult women as girls but for now I’ll just accept that they saw that there was a need to use anything other than female as a win.
“They edited the post to say girls instead of females.”
I didn’t do that
Sorry. I stand corrected. I only looked at the title when I made that comment.
Tbh I’m not in that habit either, I had wrote “he” but after I posted I caught the :3 in her uname, so I checked and came back and corrected it. Also, I had a feeling from the writing style she may have been ESL which I was going to mention too if so, but yeah both those reasons are why I checked this time.
As to the rest of it, she’s already corrected you that she did not edit the “females” out so I don’t have to mention it. Instead I’ll mention that A) You had no knowledge of her will to speak better before you were rude to her about her word choice, so you can’t claim you were “just trying to help bro” or anything like that, B) if you were trying to “help her speak better” being a dick about it isn’t the best way to go. Hell even if you’re trying to police a woman on how she speaks about women because you think how she does it is immoral, being nice is a much more effective strategy, “catch more flies with honey” as it were (but for fruit flies use vinegar.)
And apologized.
I, for the life of me, can’t understand why everyone is so concerned about the word.
When I say “male”, no one bats an eye. Should I say “female”, hell breaks loose.
The word “female” exists along with “male”, just the same way “women” exists along with “men”. It’s just an adjective form. There’s no need to overcomplicate it, and no inherent intent to do whatever bad you assume when someone says it.
There are people that use females in all contexts. They use it when women would work better. They mix it with “men”. They do not use it in the same context that they would use male. And they use it in a derogatory way.
Sad to know it’s happening. Though I must assume it’s mostly part of cringey right-wing/incel culture along the lines of “your body, my choice” etc. Do you think it’s common enough around Lemmy to justify policing of a very regular word? Or do you think it may serve as a common enough trigger?
I think it is common enough in life to police it everywhere.
Girlfriends have naked bubble make out pillow fights. Guys do not.
Can confirm. There are a few web sites that have video evidence. Google it, and thank me later.
You are going to the wrong parties
My friends’ humour is extremely homoerotic and we constantly simulate gay sex (as a joke)
You tell yourself that
Same here. But I wouldn’t call that intimacy in the same sense as he was referring to in females. Me and my boys don’t cuddle
Oh we also cuddle all the time and then someone tries sucking someone’s dick (cause it’s funny)
Remember to say ‘no homo’ before pulling out or it doesnt count
